We have all, at some point in our lives, received at least one gift that we just weren't sure what to think about. I know that in my case, and for many of my family members, the majority of these gifts have come from The Meemz. The Meemz is very generous- she loves to give presents and often gives them for not particular occasion. Or at least not an occasion that the rest of us would consider to be a gift-giving occasion.
One year on her spring break, The Suze took Meemz to Florida to visit with some of her family. The Meemz insisted on bringing gifts to give everyone that they were going to see. Mr. Moe tried to prevent her from packing all of the 'gifts' because he knew, as anyone would, that many, if not all, of the things she planned to give were not exactly 'giftable.' For instance- a bag a dried navy beans and used Gladware containers. I think that some of Papa's old, used socks were in there too.
When I decided to go back to school for a second bachelor's degree (unfinished at this point), The Meemz wanted to give me a 'present.' What I got was a box filled with several pens collected from various doctor's offices and insurance agents, 2 partial post-it pads (each contained approximately 10 sheets of paper) and 3 of the glass votive holders she purchased at Publix (she swore up & down that they were depression glass).
Around that same time my sister, Erin, was thinking about going back for her master's degree. She got a gift too. Hers was pretty much the same as mine with the addition of a very odd necklace.
The Meemz tried to give me a pair of Papa's old toenail clippers to give to someone once. Awkward....
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Mary Poppins has nothing on The Meemz
When The Suze and Robin decided that it was time to move The Meemz into an assited living facility, they also had to tackle the very daunting task of cleaning out, packing up, etc. all of her belongings in the condo on Gingercake. As you can imagine this was not an easy task. Most of you know that Meemz does NOT like to throw things away, even when they are broken or just plain junk. Going through all the drawers, closets, cabinets, boxes, purses, etc. in the condo proved this point beyond a shadow of a doubt.
On one particular day, my sister, Erin, and I were there helping with some of the packing and sorting. Erin started going through one of Meemz purses and this is what she found:
On one particular day, my sister, Erin, and I were there helping with some of the packing and sorting. Erin started going through one of Meemz purses and this is what she found:
- Expired Extra-strength Tylenol
- A dried up bar of soap, used
- A rusty, disposable razor
- A pocket Constituion
- Several Kleenex- all wadded up, probably used
- Band-aids\
- Bobby pins
- Pocket New Testament
- Several old tubes of lipstick
- Gum that was several years old, judging by how hard it was
- Dried up powder compacts
- Flashlight
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
The Meemz Take on Grocery Shopping....
When The Meemz still lived at Gingercake, she had either The Suze or Robin do her grocery shopping every weekend. She would call them with her list and they would listen, mouths agape, as she gave them the most bizarre grocery lists either of them had ever heard. Now that The Meemz is at Dogwood, she still needs a few groceries from time-to-time and while her lists have gotten smaller, they are no less strange. In fact, they are more strange in some ways. Just to give you an idea of what I'm talking about, I'm going to give you a sample grocery list from the Gingercake days and one of her recent ones. Now, keep in mind that when she lived at Gingercake, the only food she ate or had in the house was what she asked for from the grocery store.
Gingercake:
Gingercake:
- Key Lime Pie Icecream
- Mallowmars
- Bridge mix- not the prepackaged kind, the 'fresh kind'- at least 1 lb.
- Bandaids
- Aspercreme
- Lanacane
- Neosporin
- Hot Pockets- the breakfast kind
- Wheat Thins
- Butterscotch chips
- 2-3 Packages of Tollhouse Cookie Dough
- 4-5 boxes of Kleenex. Make sure you get good colors.
- 1 new dishtowel
- 4 "Thinking of You" cards- $0.99 each
- Cheese slices
- Dog treats
- Also, go to Jones Pharmacy and pick me up a handful of those ribbon magnets that they have.
Grocery shopping was an especially exciting adventure when The Meemz went with you. When she went with you, The Meemz insisted on looking at EVERYTHING in Publix. You had to go up and down every single aisle and usually had to talk her out of buying several things. One on particular occasion when I took her to Publix, she purchased 20+ votive holders which she later tried to pass of as depression glass when she gave me 3 of them as a gift. Gotta love The Meemz.
Dogwood:- Oreos
- 3 boxes of Icecream Sandwiches
- Pledge (keep in mind that she does no cleaning)
- Aspercreme
- Lanacane
- Orajel
- 4 boxes of Kleenex
- Boost
- Coke Zero
- Hershey Kisses
- Syrup
- Brownie mix (she has no access to a kitchen)
Monday, December 19, 2011
Who died?
A few weeks ago, The Suze made her regular afternoon phone call to check up on the Meemz and was quite stunned when the Meemz started telling her all about a memorial service she had been planning.
The Meemz had music all picked out, had decided on pall bearers (what they are needed for at a memorial service I do no know) and even knew that she wanted our cousin, Jesse, to speak at the service.
The Suze was very confused, as we all would be.
TS: Mom, are you planning your own funeral?
TM: NO! Of course not.
TS: Well then, who died?
TM: I'm not sure...someone's dog I think....
The Meemz also had a very elaborate memorial service planned when she lived at Gingercake. She was convinced that trees being planted in the neighborhood were all in honor of Papa, who had recently passed away. For that particular service, my sister, Erin, and I were to sing, along with our cousins, Chelsea, Caitlin and Chandler. Now, the 5 of us love music, and we do love to sing, but none of us fancies herself a "good" singer. I think the Meemz also had a menu planned for this one and I do believe that Robin and The Suze were supposed to do something as well......
The Meemz had music all picked out, had decided on pall bearers (what they are needed for at a memorial service I do no know) and even knew that she wanted our cousin, Jesse, to speak at the service.
The Suze was very confused, as we all would be.
TS: Mom, are you planning your own funeral?
TM: NO! Of course not.
TS: Well then, who died?
TM: I'm not sure...someone's dog I think....
The Meemz also had a very elaborate memorial service planned when she lived at Gingercake. She was convinced that trees being planted in the neighborhood were all in honor of Papa, who had recently passed away. For that particular service, my sister, Erin, and I were to sing, along with our cousins, Chelsea, Caitlin and Chandler. Now, the 5 of us love music, and we do love to sing, but none of us fancies herself a "good" singer. I think the Meemz also had a menu planned for this one and I do believe that Robin and The Suze were supposed to do something as well......
Friday, December 16, 2011
One liners from The Meemz
Sperm does not give you rights!
Your Aunt Gladys liked to talk about how stout people were getting and sex.
If I was younger, I'd jump his bones. (in reference to a new male resident at Dogwood)
Well bullshitty for you!
Politicians are all a bunch of horse's asses.
Towns are bigger than villages- make sure you tell Moey that.
I don't care where we go to eat as long as they have fried cheese and Ranch dressing.
Your Aunt Gladys liked to talk about how stout people were getting and sex.
If I was younger, I'd jump his bones. (in reference to a new male resident at Dogwood)
Well bullshitty for you!
Politicians are all a bunch of horse's asses.
Towns are bigger than villages- make sure you tell Moey that.
I don't care where we go to eat as long as they have fried cheese and Ranch dressing.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Who doesn't need a few bells in their life?
Picture this...
We have all gathered at Mr. Moe & The Suze's house to celebrate Mother's Day. We've had a very nice day, talking, eating, laughing, etc. The Meemz is there, she's in good spirits and she has kept us all thoroughly entertained talking about her new balance bracelet.
We notice that Meemz has been spreading things out on the dining room table and go to inspect. She tells us that we all need to gather around because she has a presentation to make. Ooook......
Laid out on The Suze's dining room table are:
The presentation went something like this.....
(TM- The Meemz, E- Everyone else, S- Shane, C- Caitlin, F-Faith, L-Lindsay)
TM: "I just wanted all of you see these pictures and cards and to remember that in May we all breathed a sigh of relief because there are no family birthdays in May and because we remember that spring has sprung."
E: "Umm...ok?"
TM: "Now, I have bells for everyone and I want Shane & Caitlin to pick first because I know they need to leave. Where are Shane and Caitlin?"
C: (picks out 2 bells) "Thank you, Memie."
TM: "You're welcome. Now are you sure those are the ones you want?"
C: "Yes, I'm sure. Shane, don't you think so?"
S: "I don't know, are you sure those are the best ones?"
**Everyone is doing their best not to crack up at this point**
TM: "Now Lindsay, you pick out a couple of bells. Do you have somewhere to put them?"
L: "No ma'am, but I can put them in Mom's china cabinet for now."
TM: "Faith, now I only have one left but I have some more at home so next time you can pick out two for you and Lexi."
*Lexi is what The Meemz calls Faith's husband, Nexsi*
*Side note- Meemz calls Erin's husband, Ken, "Tim" and calls Erin's step-daughter, Maia Ling, "Mamie Ling"*
F: "Yes ma'am. Thank you Aunt Pinkie." Faith looks at her bell and realizes that it does not have a ringer....
The ringer-less bell is now being passed around our family. I got it for my birthday from Aunt Frances. I haven't decided who I'm going to pass it on to, or for what occasion.
We have all gathered at Mr. Moe & The Suze's house to celebrate Mother's Day. We've had a very nice day, talking, eating, laughing, etc. The Meemz is there, she's in good spirits and she has kept us all thoroughly entertained talking about her new balance bracelet.
We notice that Meemz has been spreading things out on the dining room table and go to inspect. She tells us that we all need to gather around because she has a presentation to make. Ooook......
Laid out on The Suze's dining room table are:
- Several greeting cards that Meemz has received from various people
- 8-10 bells from her personal collection
- A framed picture of Candie, the dog she has not had in about 2 years
- A few pictures of Nanny and Pawpaw and some other family members that we couldn't quite identify
- A postcard from the travel agency used by The Suze to book her school's trip to Savannah (The Meemz was under the impression that these people were family members........)
The presentation went something like this.....
(TM- The Meemz, E- Everyone else, S- Shane, C- Caitlin, F-Faith, L-Lindsay)
TM: "I just wanted all of you see these pictures and cards and to remember that in May we all breathed a sigh of relief because there are no family birthdays in May and because we remember that spring has sprung."
E: "Umm...ok?"
TM: "Now, I have bells for everyone and I want Shane & Caitlin to pick first because I know they need to leave. Where are Shane and Caitlin?"
C: (picks out 2 bells) "Thank you, Memie."
TM: "You're welcome. Now are you sure those are the ones you want?"
C: "Yes, I'm sure. Shane, don't you think so?"
S: "I don't know, are you sure those are the best ones?"
**Everyone is doing their best not to crack up at this point**
TM: "Now Lindsay, you pick out a couple of bells. Do you have somewhere to put them?"
L: "No ma'am, but I can put them in Mom's china cabinet for now."
TM: "Faith, now I only have one left but I have some more at home so next time you can pick out two for you and Lexi."
*Lexi is what The Meemz calls Faith's husband, Nexsi*
*Side note- Meemz calls Erin's husband, Ken, "Tim" and calls Erin's step-daughter, Maia Ling, "Mamie Ling"*
F: "Yes ma'am. Thank you Aunt Pinkie." Faith looks at her bell and realizes that it does not have a ringer....
The ringer-less bell is now being passed around our family. I got it for my birthday from Aunt Frances. I haven't decided who I'm going to pass it on to, or for what occasion.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Meemz' TV Viewing Habits Should Be Monitored
We all know that the Meemz is easily confused. That being said, TV seems to add to her confusion.
For instance, a year or so ago, The Suze and The Meemz were out to dinner and out of the blue the Meemz started this conversation:
TM- "I hope I never have to move to Mexico."
TS- "Um..what? Why would you be worried about that?"
Apparently TM had seen something on television about the very high crime rate in Mexico and so she was worried about the possibility of moving there. The Suze assured her that she is in no danger of even visiting Mexico, let alone moving there at this point in her life.
They continued eating and a few minutes later this happened:
TM- "Are those people still riding their bikes?"
TS- "What people?"
TM- "You know, those people who ride their bikes."
TS- "Oh....yeah, they are."
Of course, The Suze had NO idea who 'those people' were but we assume The Meemz was referring to the Tour de France. TV confusion strikes again...
My favorite TV-induced confusion occured this past spring. I'm sure we all remember all the hoopla surrounding the royal wedding and how coverage of the event was on every channel, every hour of every day. As you can imagine, The Meemz was all over this stuff. We all know that she loves celebrity news and gossip so a royal wedding was all kinds of exciting for her. The day before the wedding, The Suze called to check on the Meemz and it went a little something like this......
TS- "Hey, Mom. How are you feeling today?"
TM- "Susie, I don't have time to talk to you. I'm getting married tomorrow. You need to tell those people from the nail salon to be here in 10 minutes."
TS- "Mom, what are you talking about? The nail salon doesn't make house calls."
TM- "I really don't have time to argue with you about this." *Hangs up*
The Suze is, of course, very confused by this. She & Aunt Robin decided that they would go to Dogwood to check on The Meemz and see what the deal was. When they got there, The Meemz was still very insistent about her wedding that was the be the following day. She was also quite put out with The Suze and Robin because they were not dressed appropriately for a wedding. Can you imagine their nerve? Robin asked her who she was going to be marrying and she promptly replied with "I am going to marry Richard Dekle. He is stomp-down good looking." Keep in mind that Richard Dekle, my Papa, passed away 5 years ago so it would have been pretty hard for them to get married this past spring.....
For instance, a year or so ago, The Suze and The Meemz were out to dinner and out of the blue the Meemz started this conversation:
TM- "I hope I never have to move to Mexico."
TS- "Um..what? Why would you be worried about that?"
Apparently TM had seen something on television about the very high crime rate in Mexico and so she was worried about the possibility of moving there. The Suze assured her that she is in no danger of even visiting Mexico, let alone moving there at this point in her life.
They continued eating and a few minutes later this happened:
TM- "Are those people still riding their bikes?"
TS- "What people?"
TM- "You know, those people who ride their bikes."
TS- "Oh....yeah, they are."
Of course, The Suze had NO idea who 'those people' were but we assume The Meemz was referring to the Tour de France. TV confusion strikes again...
My favorite TV-induced confusion occured this past spring. I'm sure we all remember all the hoopla surrounding the royal wedding and how coverage of the event was on every channel, every hour of every day. As you can imagine, The Meemz was all over this stuff. We all know that she loves celebrity news and gossip so a royal wedding was all kinds of exciting for her. The day before the wedding, The Suze called to check on the Meemz and it went a little something like this......
TS- "Hey, Mom. How are you feeling today?"
TM- "Susie, I don't have time to talk to you. I'm getting married tomorrow. You need to tell those people from the nail salon to be here in 10 minutes."
TS- "Mom, what are you talking about? The nail salon doesn't make house calls."
TM- "I really don't have time to argue with you about this." *Hangs up*
The Suze is, of course, very confused by this. She & Aunt Robin decided that they would go to Dogwood to check on The Meemz and see what the deal was. When they got there, The Meemz was still very insistent about her wedding that was the be the following day. She was also quite put out with The Suze and Robin because they were not dressed appropriately for a wedding. Can you imagine their nerve? Robin asked her who she was going to be marrying and she promptly replied with "I am going to marry Richard Dekle. He is stomp-down good looking." Keep in mind that Richard Dekle, my Papa, passed away 5 years ago so it would have been pretty hard for them to get married this past spring.....
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Tahiti/Haiti, Birth Control and the FBI
About a year ago, The Suze and I went to dinner with The Meemz. Now, dinner with The Meemz is always an adventure because you never know if she's going to do or say something off-the-wall to or in front of the server.
On this particular occasion, The Meemz shared with us her views on Tahiti/Haiti, birth control and the FBI. The conversation went something like this......
(TM- The Meemz; TS- The Suze; L-Lindsay)
TM: I saw something on TV about all of the poverty in Tahiti. They really should do something about all of the homeless children there.
TS: Mom, what are you talking about?
TM: Tahiti- it is just in terrible shape.
L: Meemz, do you mean Haiti?
TM: Oh, yeah I guess so.
TS: Mom, there was a hurricane there in 2008 and then an earthquake in 2010. That's why there are so many homeless children. Haiti is a very poor country. They can't just bounce back from something like that.
TM: Well, what they really need is birth control. If George Bush Sr. and George Bush Jr. went over there, I bet they would have everything straightened out in a week. They need the FBI too. I love the FBI.
L: WOW.
TS: Mom, they had 2 natural disasters. That is why their country is in such poor shape. Birth control is not their problem.
TM: Well, the two George Bushes could still help. And the FBI.
On this particular occasion, The Meemz shared with us her views on Tahiti/Haiti, birth control and the FBI. The conversation went something like this......
(TM- The Meemz; TS- The Suze; L-Lindsay)
TM: I saw something on TV about all of the poverty in Tahiti. They really should do something about all of the homeless children there.
TS: Mom, what are you talking about?
TM: Tahiti- it is just in terrible shape.
L: Meemz, do you mean Haiti?
TM: Oh, yeah I guess so.
TS: Mom, there was a hurricane there in 2008 and then an earthquake in 2010. That's why there are so many homeless children. Haiti is a very poor country. They can't just bounce back from something like that.
TM: Well, what they really need is birth control. If George Bush Sr. and George Bush Jr. went over there, I bet they would have everything straightened out in a week. They need the FBI too. I love the FBI.
L: WOW.
TS: Mom, they had 2 natural disasters. That is why their country is in such poor shape. Birth control is not their problem.
TM: Well, the two George Bushes could still help. And the FBI.
Meemz Misconceptions
Those of us who know and love The Meemz are fully aware of her many misconceptions about names, places, medications, etc. I decided that I should start of a list of them and then update it periodically. The best part of these misconceptions, is that you cannot tell her that she's wrong. She just won't have it.
Try to work some of these into converstations with her- it is hilarious.
1. The president's name is Aruba. Yes, Aruba.
2. Haiti and Tahiti are the same place.
3. The famously philandering golfer is Tyler Woods, not Tiger. Get it right people! Also, he is NOT sorry for what he did. The Meemz knows.
4. Lady Gaga (who is a dumbass, per The Meemz) is really named Dagmar. The Meemz says that she & Dagmar could never be best friends.
5. Water can strangle you.
6. The reason Arnold S. cannot run for president is not because he isn't a natural-born U.S. citizen. It is because of his recent sex scandal.
7. Lanacane should be used in place of Orajel.
8. Lemon Sucrets and Vick's VapoRub will cure anything.
9. Aspercreme, despite warnings on the label not to, can in fact be used orally. Also, it's just good for your hands.
Try to work some of these into converstations with her- it is hilarious.
1. The president's name is Aruba. Yes, Aruba.
2. Haiti and Tahiti are the same place.
3. The famously philandering golfer is Tyler Woods, not Tiger. Get it right people! Also, he is NOT sorry for what he did. The Meemz knows.
4. Lady Gaga (who is a dumbass, per The Meemz) is really named Dagmar. The Meemz says that she & Dagmar could never be best friends.
5. Water can strangle you.
6. The reason Arnold S. cannot run for president is not because he isn't a natural-born U.S. citizen. It is because of his recent sex scandal.
7. Lanacane should be used in place of Orajel.
8. Lemon Sucrets and Vick's VapoRub will cure anything.
9. Aspercreme, despite warnings on the label not to, can in fact be used orally. Also, it's just good for your hands.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
The Meemz and Malpractice
So last night my mom (The Suze) and my aunt (Robin) took The Meemz to the doctor. At some point in the evening, The Meemz told them that she blames her OBGYN, Dr. Lanier, for all of the 'extra skin' on her stomach. Dr. Lanier was her OBGYN when she had my mom and aunt. I won't tell you exactly how long ago that was, but I'm 30 so suffice it to say this was many, many moons ago.
Anywho- The Meemz blames Dr. Lanier for not telling her about some kind of lotion that would have prevented this 'extra skin' and then asked The Suze if she thought surgery to have said skin removed would be considered cosmetic or if the insurance company might pay for it.
Yes. That is correct. My grandmother, who is 76 by the way, wants to know if a tummy tuck would be considered cosmetic. Her age is apparently irrelavant in this matter. Perhaps she could write a letter to president Aruba about this...
Anywho- The Meemz blames Dr. Lanier for not telling her about some kind of lotion that would have prevented this 'extra skin' and then asked The Suze if she thought surgery to have said skin removed would be considered cosmetic or if the insurance company might pay for it.
Yes. That is correct. My grandmother, who is 76 by the way, wants to know if a tummy tuck would be considered cosmetic. Her age is apparently irrelavant in this matter. Perhaps she could write a letter to president Aruba about this...
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